By: John Charles Dyer, UK Correspondent
29 August 2012.
I’ve been surprised how many Americans confuse “England” (and everything worthwhile about it) with London. Or I was until I realized the confusion begins in London.
Copernicus had it all wrong you see. London is the centre of the solar system. It is the only place that matters. I learned this riding Virgin Train to London and comparing it to the Virgin Train to Bristol by way of Birmingham. Anyone who doubts that London is all that matters to London need only do the same. One matters only if one is going to or from London, dahling.
But this frame of reference is, of course, just utter confusion.
London isn’t “England” (wherever England now is). London isn’t the centre of the solar system or the missing answer to all Cosmological or theological riddles.
London is really the America of Mitt Romney’s dreams.
Now that I understand this, I propose a cultural exchange. Romney becomes London’s mayor. Boris runs Disneyland. Cameron learns to play basketball as Obama’s understudy. Think of it, Dave. Serious Bro time!
We’ll think of a placement for Nick in due course. Now let me see ...
Completing “the greatest reform in a generation” (did I get the tag line right, Dave, or is this a “mess we’ve inherited” moment?), the rest of the UK could divorce London. London could ally with Merkel world, replacing Greece.
No doubt Greece would be duly appreciative, sending copious amounts of olive oil. Or not.
The rest of the UK could join the Scandinavian League.
The world would be a better place.
Whaaat? Get serious?
Seriously ...
how seriously should one take a fellow who thinks unpaid internships will solve the problem of youth unemployment in a job market where 2.5 million workers are unemployed, 8.5 million very part time wage earners without fringe benefits? That's one third of the labour force unemployed or underemployed.
If that doesn’t tickle your serious bone, there’s the fellow who thinks the priority of government should be making benefits recipients work or lose benefits, thereby increasing the supply of bodies to do a workload already insufficient to keep much more than 60% of the labour force productively busy. This is called, “making work pay.”
Then there’s the genius who thinks the UK should reduce wages to be "competitive" with Mumbai. I admit, in the connections between his grand solution and his personal greed there may be at least a certain superficial logic to this one.
Speaking of “at least” ... at least Boris seems to understand a constricted sphincter is bad enough all on its own without additionally piling on wanton, gratuitous, and demeaning nastiness.
Maybe we should keep Boris and send David and George to Disneyland.
Orange county might like this pair. George’s deeply sensitive and touching concern for stinkingly wealthy “wealth creators” would go down a treat in Irvine. As would his commitment to “starving the beast.”
I can just visualize David and George “manning” Pirates of the Caribbean. This has possibilities. Work with me on this ... .
Ryan could join Mitt in London. I am sure Ryan could be put in charge of something. How about the London Underground. Now there’s a thought.
Now I know what you're thinking and you may be right. We shouldn't necessarily bar a bloke from public office just because he is one of those businessmen who seem simply unable to manage their own affairs without public subsidy, bailouts, legal breaks, tax avoidance, tax breaks, tax incentives, tax loopholes, the elimination of all regulations that protect the public from fraud and abuse and the environment from harm, the awarding of long term, lucerative government "privatization" contracts without accountability, and- last but not least- government induced reductions in worker wages to the level of third world sweat shops. They are, after all, "the" wealth producers, man. You may have a point somewhere in there ... somewhere.
But what about Nick? Oh ... yeah ... Nick. Sigh.
I always hear “Man of La Mancha” when I think of Nick. To dream the impossible referendum ... to fight the unbeatable Lords ... This is my quest ... Yep- that Nick.
Maybe he can do an off Broadway tour. Nick could introduce US men to Panto. The role of Marie Antoinette comes to mind. Let them eat Internships.
But would it be nice to separate Nick from Dave? Maybe too much trauma for sensitive souls. I've got it! How about Nick skating along Venice Beach, singing with tears running down his cheeks- I’ve got a brand new pair of roller skates. You’ve got a brand new key. Now, that's Satisfying.
Not to worry, Nick. Arnold’s going to pump you up. Hasta La Vista, baby.
It isn’t really funny, is it.
Stephen Sondheim had it wrong when he penned “send in the clowns.” The answer to the very complicated and difficult problems that afflict our nations isn’t to send in the clowns. It’s to send them away.