By Patricia Lee Sharpe
Picture it: Valentine’s Day. Bulbul Khan has set aside his AK-47. He’s wrapped his curls in his best turban with its elegant long tail. He’s presenting a box of chocolates (or maybe a box of locally-made halwah adorned with silver leaf) to his wife (or wives, as the case may be). And she (or one of them) takes the first bite! Talk about fantasy!
Heartfelt Heresy
Some years ago this lewd Western custom known as Valentine’s Day had begun to penetrate the urban centers of Pakistan. Book stores displayed greeting cards embellished with hearts and ribbons and proclaiming, “I love you.” Hotels held dances. People invited their friends to parties, openly. And speaking of romance, the idea of love marriages was under debate, even if the practice wasn’t widespread. Most marriages in Lahore no less than Kabul were parentally arranged, but increasingly the girl and boy were getting a say in the choice of a lifelong partner. They could even attend a movie, together, before the wedding.
Ah, but could they be trusted to—or not to—well, you know what. Biology 101.
No Eye Candy Either
Which is why certain Muslims abhor even eye contact between nubile boys and girls, and the influence of such conservative Is- lam has burgeoned in recent years. If you want to party these days, in urban Pakistan, if you want to gyrate to rock or listen to North Indian classical music and have a little whiskey or sherab (bootleggers don’t lack for customers), it’s all hush! hush! behind closed doors and windows. A raid by rowdy self-appointed monitors of morals isn’t inconceivable
So that small opening for kitchy Valentine’s Day romance is closing. Even in Karachi, young men and women occupying the same park bench and casually talking to one another have been asked to produce their marriage certificates. Recently this made for a TV reality show gimmick. Not everyone in the TV audience was horrified.
Life or Love
In fact, life for women in many sections of Karachi never has been much better than life in the tribal areas or Afghanistan, from which their families may have migrated. As ever, a girl who casts an innocent glance in the direction of a male she isn’t married or blood-related to (though cousins may be suspect, too) isn’t going to get chocolates from anyone on Valentines Day. She’ll get acid in her face. From her brother. Or maybe her nose will be cut off. By her father. Or maybe she’ll be slaughtered by a posse consisting of her husband, father, brothers and uncles. And the police and the courts, most likely, will look the other way. Not only has that one wayward glance dishonored all the menfolk, it has set a bad example for other women. As for NGOs that try to help the few battered women who dare to seek refuge, their founders and volunteers aren’t paranoid to fear for their own lives and looks.
All in all, too many females in Afghanistan and Pakistan are owned lock, stock and barrel by the males in their lives, and the lock isn’t metaphorical. Their homes are jails. Their minds are, too, since they’re largely denied the education that might lead them to claim some rights. All females? Well, maybe only 75% or so. But that’s more than enough, isn’t it?
How powerful it is, a vagina—virginal or otherwise—in Sindh, in Punjab, in Balouchistan, in the Northern tribal areas, in Afghanistan, in parts of India! Stuffed into that one all-too-accessible bit of female anatomy is the honor of all the men in the family, whose honor—this would be laughable if it weren’t tragic—remains intact if they lie, steal, murder or rape. Oh, yes, a vagina is an open necked sack that’s guarded by unrelenting male jealousy and suspicion, lest the wrong sperm invade. As for the lucky egg, it's ready and willing. Biology 101.
The Deadly Boys-Are-Better Syndrome
But even if there’s no doubt about its daddy, the wrong kind of baby—or, worse, babies—better not emerge from that vagina. A proper female interior is a boy baby-making machine. A woman who produces a boy might just get that box of candy.
However, if she produces nothing but girl babies, a woman may be in real trouble. More of the male honor stuff. A guy without sons doesn’t get respect. So the non-son-producing wife is divorced, supplemented with another potential boy baby-maker, or, all too often, bumped off. If she’s allowed to live as wife #1, she may be worked to death like a household slave. No rights. No privileges. Certainly no candy.
Some Pakistani women aren’t even safe if they emigrate to Canada. Recently, in Ontario, a Pakistani immigrant, his second wife and his mother contrived to kill his first wife as well as the girls she’d given birth to. All were found dead, in a car, in a lake. An accident, said the defense. The Canadian court didn’t buy it. The murderer is in jail now. So are his female accomplices.
I wonder how it feels to make a marriage, voluntarily or otherwise, with a man who’s killed his first wife for not producing boys? Ghoulish, isn’t it? Especially if the lady knows Biology 101, which she may not, as things now stand.
The Guys Are Guilty
Call me me ethnocentric here, but there are many cherished customs that deserve to die. And you’d think that this one of blaming the woman for being infertile or producing girls is a custom that would have died a natural death more than a century ago.
England’s Henry VIII would have made a great tribal sheik. He kept killing wives to get sons. He can’t be liked for it, but there is an extenuation. In his time neither he nor anyone else knew that the gender of a child is determined by the sperm—or that a woman can’t get pregnant by her husband if the dear boy has a low sperm count.
Actually, Pakistanis aren’t losing much by missing out on the hokey romance element that’s exploited on Valentine’s Day in America. The February 14 con works like all those other “special” days—Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Secretary’s Day, etc. A box of chocolates. Some flowers. Lunch with the boss or dinner with hubby. As if such tokens could make up for lesser treatment over the remaining 364 days of the year.
Teach Biology
So, on Valentine’s Day, what I really wish for the women in those seriously misogynist areas of South Asia is that all children would be forced to take Biology 101 and have the well-established facts of procreation beaten into their culturally resistant heads. Especially this little fact: sperm are the sex determiners. Boys need to know this, so they won’t grow up to brutalize their wives for producing female offspring. But girls also need to know where boys come from. They need to know there’s no reason to feel guilty and deserving of punishment when they hear the words, “It’s a girl.”
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