By Patricia Lee Sharpe
The Homeland Security Department reports alarming new cracks in U.S. border defenses. As a result, a new enemy has gained access to vital American territory and is, even as we speak, marching on the capital. These rapidly advancing battalions of red and black army ants are equipped with skin-piercing pincers and a poison powerful enough to make a football lineman hop with pain.
People in the border states are warned to secure all key holes with masking tape and stay inside until further notice. Meanwhile, the FBI is investigating the possibility of subversion by angry entomologists denied federal funding. Chocolate-covered ants have been found in several biology department refrigerators, a clear indication that renegade scientists plan mass murder by corrupting the nation’s junk food supply.
All universities have been closed until such dens of evolutionists can be cleaned out. Ant lovers will be identified and burnt at the stake, although stoning will be allowed where deforestation is a threat or in case of local preference. Democracy must always prevail.